The Anger in me!!!

Lately I realized my patience has worn out. A thick blanket of blubber which once used to protect me from my own anger has become a thin and transparent layer. I used to be ice cold to criticism, humiliation or sarcasm. Never let my opponent know what I felt inside. A master in masquerading the feelings behind my calm facade. Life changes many aspects in uncontrolled environment, giving rise to unexpected results. This chain reactions caused a heavy change in me. My fundamentals were shaken and stirred many times by the very people I trusted resulting in blatant aggressive behavior. I was put on defensive position every time by the so called experienced. Mishandled by my own. Its said that man is most vulnerable when he is angry. Never thought I would say that its true to its very last letter. I expose my weakness and shortcomings when I am angry. Loose control over my thought process, and I get engulfed by my alter ego .

I have climbed many milestones so far, but none worthy in eyes of my soul. I started out as a lost soul, but with lot of peace of mind. Now I have found a new destiny but my soul is not at rest. This unrest has given birth to my alter ego called Zia. Zia who used to care for every one, is no longer the same. Has turned into a selfish, unscrupulous ,mean and self centered monster. The more I struggle to come out of this wet sand the deeper I get into. Looks like it’s the end of Zia and rise of Aiz. For world does not want a weak emotional caring fool. It wants a heartless, mean dictator who would shoot down any one in his path. Question is which path……………? The path that’s right in the eyes of higher power or society?


Aiz although started as an infant in an incubator, started growing stronger at every bickering Zia faced. At every step Zia was subdued through constant criticism and pain and forced to learn their rules Aiz got stronger. Zia a strong personality that he was started to confide in Aiz till he could resist no more. Every time Zia got angry; Aiz took control of the entire system. Has nothing but revenge in sight. Does not care about the consequences that he would under go over longer run due to the negligent acts of Aiz. He is the dark side of Zia, a dark knight to rescue as a defense mechanism of subconscious mind who wouldn’t consider about any feelings or respect. So much so that he casts a fog around Zia so that he fails to see the dire consequences that are so clearly visible otherwise. Has become a heartless sadist who takes pleasure in hurting the one who care for him too. Presses down the one who listens to him and plots against those who don’t. So much so that he has vow on to his own that never will he let himself vulnerable in front of others.


Time and again history has proven you are valued only after your death. Its time for Zia to die and Aiz to rise in power. Because desperate times call for desperate actions. This inevitable painful death should bring in peace not only to me but to lot others. May be its my destiny to die as Zia and rise as Aiz for a greater good. Ironic but ‘good’ would prevail with the rise of the ‘evil’.. Aiz is a necessary Evil who has to end Zia to bring good to near and dear ones. If that’s the cost to be paid so be it. I have begun to dig the grave. Just need a helping hand to burry one of me. Who its gonna be time will tell. But I see very little hope for Zia to pull this off.

Though the actions are not understood today but will be valued in future. Bonvoyage.

Life is hard

Life has taken so many twists and turns that some times it seems hard to go on. There are few situations in life you cannot differentiate or fail to judge good from bad or vice versa. Or some times intentions are good but results turn out to be with dire consequences.

What if you are given a choice to loose either left eye or right? Or choose between dear or dearest? What if life asks the most difficult question that you know the answer but you don’t want to look into eyes of life and answer it? Questions like is it fair? Is it worth? How can you do this? Are you human? But life needs answers and needs it fast. It won’t wait for you. If you don’t take the decision then life takes it for you. And you will remain just a puppet in its fingers. Dancing to the tune and strings pulled.

Every time I come across such situation where I am cornered to the edge of a cliff, I hear only one sentence that was told to me by a friend of mine “ Jump – Either God will give you wings to fly or he will catch you in his arms” . Now its up to my faith in God how strongly I believe in it and jump. It reminds me of my first Bunjee jump from 150 feet. I had paid Rs500 to jump which was a bomb at that time. But when I was lifted in the crane to that height, I could see the entire city from top, and told to my self that why in the world did I pay to go through this torture. My legs trembled, hands were shivering, breez was so strong that it almost swayed me. I could literally hear the thump of my heart, I couldn’t swallow it was like stone stuck in my throat. The man behind me said “ I am gonna count 3- when I say 3 jump”…..and when he started to count I was about to stop him. But if I had I would have never jumped. I closed my eyes and let go. In that few seconds of fall my entire life flashed before me. And when I opened the eyes I could feel the adreline rush , blood gushing into my limbs - a natural survival instinct. For the first time I figured out what trust mean. The trust in the technique of bunjee jumping, the chord, the trainer. The trust and faith gives you the guts to jump which is against human’s all survival instinct. That day I understood how God needs to be trusted – The Alpha and Omega, Creator and destroyer , call him by any name. He asks of us for little patience in life to get through hard times. But we abuse him in hard time and praise him in good. Its said he creates medicine before creating a disease. We just have to find the medicine. Need to wait for that time to heal. He will heal you. Some times its before expected time and some time its after. But then who are we to set time expectations against Him. All we need to do is wait and praise him in happiness as well as in pain.