The Anger in me!!!

Lately I realized my patience has worn out. A thick blanket of blubber which once used to protect me from my own anger has become a thin and transparent layer. I used to be ice cold to criticism, humiliation or sarcasm. Never let my opponent know what I felt inside. A master in masquerading the feelings behind my calm facade. Life changes many aspects in uncontrolled environment, giving rise to unexpected results. This chain reactions caused a heavy change in me. My fundamentals were shaken and stirred many times by the very people I trusted resulting in blatant aggressive behavior. I was put on defensive position every time by the so called experienced. Mishandled by my own. Its said that man is most vulnerable when he is angry. Never thought I would say that its true to its very last letter. I expose my weakness and shortcomings when I am angry. Loose control over my thought process, and I get engulfed by my alter ego .

I have climbed many milestones so far, but none worthy in eyes of my soul. I started out as a lost soul, but with lot of peace of mind. Now I have found a new destiny but my soul is not at rest. This unrest has given birth to my alter ego called Zia. Zia who used to care for every one, is no longer the same. Has turned into a selfish, unscrupulous ,mean and self centered monster. The more I struggle to come out of this wet sand the deeper I get into. Looks like it’s the end of Zia and rise of Aiz. For world does not want a weak emotional caring fool. It wants a heartless, mean dictator who would shoot down any one in his path. Question is which path……………? The path that’s right in the eyes of higher power or society?


Aiz although started as an infant in an incubator, started growing stronger at every bickering Zia faced. At every step Zia was subdued through constant criticism and pain and forced to learn their rules Aiz got stronger. Zia a strong personality that he was started to confide in Aiz till he could resist no more. Every time Zia got angry; Aiz took control of the entire system. Has nothing but revenge in sight. Does not care about the consequences that he would under go over longer run due to the negligent acts of Aiz. He is the dark side of Zia, a dark knight to rescue as a defense mechanism of subconscious mind who wouldn’t consider about any feelings or respect. So much so that he casts a fog around Zia so that he fails to see the dire consequences that are so clearly visible otherwise. Has become a heartless sadist who takes pleasure in hurting the one who care for him too. Presses down the one who listens to him and plots against those who don’t. So much so that he has vow on to his own that never will he let himself vulnerable in front of others.


Time and again history has proven you are valued only after your death. Its time for Zia to die and Aiz to rise in power. Because desperate times call for desperate actions. This inevitable painful death should bring in peace not only to me but to lot others. May be its my destiny to die as Zia and rise as Aiz for a greater good. Ironic but ‘good’ would prevail with the rise of the ‘evil’.. Aiz is a necessary Evil who has to end Zia to bring good to near and dear ones. If that’s the cost to be paid so be it. I have begun to dig the grave. Just need a helping hand to burry one of me. Who its gonna be time will tell. But I see very little hope for Zia to pull this off.

Though the actions are not understood today but will be valued in future. Bonvoyage.

Life is hard

Life has taken so many twists and turns that some times it seems hard to go on. There are few situations in life you cannot differentiate or fail to judge good from bad or vice versa. Or some times intentions are good but results turn out to be with dire consequences.

What if you are given a choice to loose either left eye or right? Or choose between dear or dearest? What if life asks the most difficult question that you know the answer but you don’t want to look into eyes of life and answer it? Questions like is it fair? Is it worth? How can you do this? Are you human? But life needs answers and needs it fast. It won’t wait for you. If you don’t take the decision then life takes it for you. And you will remain just a puppet in its fingers. Dancing to the tune and strings pulled.

Every time I come across such situation where I am cornered to the edge of a cliff, I hear only one sentence that was told to me by a friend of mine “ Jump – Either God will give you wings to fly or he will catch you in his arms” . Now its up to my faith in God how strongly I believe in it and jump. It reminds me of my first Bunjee jump from 150 feet. I had paid Rs500 to jump which was a bomb at that time. But when I was lifted in the crane to that height, I could see the entire city from top, and told to my self that why in the world did I pay to go through this torture. My legs trembled, hands were shivering, breez was so strong that it almost swayed me. I could literally hear the thump of my heart, I couldn’t swallow it was like stone stuck in my throat. The man behind me said “ I am gonna count 3- when I say 3 jump”…..and when he started to count I was about to stop him. But if I had I would have never jumped. I closed my eyes and let go. In that few seconds of fall my entire life flashed before me. And when I opened the eyes I could feel the adreline rush , blood gushing into my limbs - a natural survival instinct. For the first time I figured out what trust mean. The trust in the technique of bunjee jumping, the chord, the trainer. The trust and faith gives you the guts to jump which is against human’s all survival instinct. That day I understood how God needs to be trusted – The Alpha and Omega, Creator and destroyer , call him by any name. He asks of us for little patience in life to get through hard times. But we abuse him in hard time and praise him in good. Its said he creates medicine before creating a disease. We just have to find the medicine. Need to wait for that time to heal. He will heal you. Some times its before expected time and some time its after. But then who are we to set time expectations against Him. All we need to do is wait and praise him in happiness as well as in pain.

Mirror

How should one live life? by ones own virtue and belives or man made and well accepted so called customs? Neoism is abhored in most cases. People dont like change, anything new scares them. May its because its a basic instinct. We never know how to react to the outcome of the change. But what if that change is need of the hour? What is that chandge is the next step to evolution? new ideas? better angle to life ? but then there would be lot of ifs and buts. We are so hopelessely confided in routine that anything new would be just rebellious. A South Indian would never leave his "Dosa" nor will a North Indian leave his "Alu Paratha". Leave alone in India even overseas we still die to pay more and eat the same old thing again and again. What if one among us dont want to eat those Dosas and Parathas any more? what if he wants to try sushi? well needless to say he becomes the black sheep of the family instantly and brand by the letter "rebel" is stapmped on his forehead. Entire family starts of with gossips which never meant to be, not to forget the rumours and assumptions. Little do we realise that this act itself is a major factor for a person to become a blacksheep. Thats when Hitlers Osamabin ladens take birth. It is said "You die a hero , if you live long enough you become a villan".

Avtar

Hey every one, just watched James Cameron's Movie "Avtar". The writer and director James Cameron has pulled it off once again. I am going Ga ga over the movie from the moment I stepped out of the theater. The movie's got it all, thriller, romance, tragedy, emotion, chase, action......and above all the soul. The movie I beleive goes one step ahead rather than just showing good action sequences or animation to its audience. Its basic purpose is to convey very important message to mass. One message no doubtedly is to protect mother nature. She is taking all our discards from eons. The day she starts to return the favour mankind might go back into darkages. We have to stop... stop now, or the fresh air we are breathing may be poison for our children. our children may never see a live wildlife... for there may not be forest.

The other message which is hidden deep inside the movie is..... how one culture over powers the other just because they can. I can relate to it as I see how the right is crushed down just because they are minority or weak, The trusted flesh becomes the enemy. How every one begin to watch there own backs.
Its rightly said the coin's got two sides my friends. question is which side are you on?

The movie has two sides too..one so called Human ( although doesnt show humanity ) and alien race who are residing in there own world content and in accordance with nature. Humans technically much advanced after consuming earth set there greedy eye on vast resources of the aliens. Well if we see this in our rela life....it isnt too far from reality. Fight may not be between Humans and aliens...but its definitely between cultures and regions.... Its already begun..Iraq, Chechniya, Kuwait, Afghanistan, In india too (Kashmir, Assam, Nagaland, Andhrapradesh )etc

Each culture thinks its right and others are wrong. Due to this, the human has lost the very meaning of the word HUMAN. We see One country over powering the regime of some other country or aid the two countries with heavy weaponry and then provide humanitarian aid. Are we all blind to all this? dont we all have souls to answer back? the one who stands against is named terrorist and entire clan is wiped out in the name of peace and democracy. Little do they understand so called freedom in there land may not be the same in others. And they have no right to interfere in other cultures.
The concept of culture is vast and very difficult tounderstand. We often mistake culture with religion. Religion is something spiritual and culture is in tandemn with society or way of life. Unless you ( the reader) are open minded to others culture we younever understand below example.
Lets take an example of 3 women from different cultures. A girl in Bikini from US , Indian girl in sleevelss kurta and a woman from saudi in Abaya (burkha) all sitting on a beach enjoying the sunset. The American girl thinks how can Saudi and Indian girl be fully clad and heavy habiliments on such a beautiful day like this and not enjoy the sea and beach. Dont they like the Sun tan , boddy massages? what a low life!!....... Now Indian women thinks how easily the girl from US is showing her skin to others without any shame and on the contrary how this saudi women is able to breath in her Abaya ( Burkha) and how deprived she is from freedom of clothes. While the Saudi women is thinking how is US and Indian women are not covering them selves fully and being a show piece for the public on the beach - what will they achieve by showing their skin and attracting men who dont even matter to them?

The above paragraph is a very small example of how we are confined in our own cultures and fail to see others point of view. All 3 are women are in a same place, watching the sunset. When God created Sun he ordered it to bestow its light on all regardless of there culture or religion or region. The land the 3 women were sitting was created by God which is provided for all the 3 women equally to sit or stand. When God's creation dont differentiate between humans regardless of there backgrounds, you think God will ... just beacause you follow particular way of life? You think God is so low as to neglect the person who lived his life righteously but didnt follow one particular way of life or religion agianst a rapist or a criminal just because he follows one particular way of life? I doubt it.
The message the movie tried conveying which without a surprise will go unnoticed by mass is..... Stop forcing your culture on others. They have there own way of living... has its own beauty. Let it be. It may seem savage or barberic to you, but doesnt make it wrong. You know why???? its because you are not the one who is judging....HE is.... the Alpha... the One..... The GOD. Let him do his part , you do yours..... i.e love

Destiny

It is said that our destiny is already written. We are just following what is already directed. The script is already written we are just actors who are narrating the dialogues.

In this movie called life where everyone is Some one with no importance despite being in the lead role infact we donot realise that there is no actual lead role. Every one has his or her own agenda in life. Every one's aspirations conflict with every one, so much so that we are more bothered about how to spoil others aspiration instead of building are own. Ironically most endeured aspirations contradict with the aspirations of the most loved ones. And the director laughs at it and the anticlimax begins to draw its curtains. And bamm!!!!  the life catches you off guard in a cross road.

If destiny is pre written then why does life brings us again and again to the place where your loved ones are to be given assurance how much you love them, or care for them. Why is it that of all the people in the world your loved ones want a sacrifice at every stage to prove that you are worthy of there love?

The emotional turmoils that follow after crossing these cross roads are so excruciating and abhorring that you start loosing the flavour of happiness in life. The milestones that are crossed are epitaphs of something or some one you really loved.Its either your loved one's relation that is rests in those tombs or its your aspiration.

They say to win the war you have to loose few battles. That’s right; but how much thought is given to the soldiers who are slaughtered in the front line of battles which were never meant to win? So what if few people are crucified, the General gets stars on his shoulders and medals on his chest anyway.

I have been reading this book of life from last 28 years, in search of destiny; ironically it brings me to the same old crossroad and laughs at me. As Metallica song goes " Here I am on the road again, Here I am up on the stage, There I go to be a star again, There I go to turn the page." I have been trying to turn a new leaf at every cross road. Giving the best performance that I can. In the end I always figure that I am Unique like every one else. Iam lead star like every one else. And no matter how I perform in the end it really doesnt matter.

When I turn back the pages of my life, I see I have attained nothing but emptiness in life. Talk everything under the sun...... but when I see myself in the mirror I see a hypocrite, a looser and a non-achiever.

I kept comparing my self to be a lone ship trying to find its shore. Little did I realise Ships never stays at shore. It has to keep moving and one day sink into the depths of the oceans. I can feel that day is not very far. Because I already see the holes in my ship. Its just a matter of time when the captain surrunders to cyclones of life. And destiny will bring me to that very place where my end is written and I would sink onto the darkness and fade away.